Sleepless

I have William Wordsworth's poem running through my head:

"A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless..."

Insomnia once again (and always, it seems) has me firmly in its grasp. Last night I "went" to bed at 1:00 am, which is, I think, completely normal for a college student. I laid in bed, awake (on my computer some, trying to lull myself to sleep with music and writing), until five, when I finally realized that I just wasn't going to fall asleep. I got up at 5:30 and went outside to watch the rest of campus sleep. It's actually pretty cool; I've never seen campus that quiet. Everyone was either gone or asleep.

The sky started to get light, and I thought I should probably go back inside, try to get some sleep. I finally fell asleep at maybe 6 or 6:30, and I woke up around 10:00. Tonight, (and I realize it's only midnight...) I know it's going to happen again. I can feel it. When you're an insomniac for more than a couple of months, you start to be able to tell when it's going to happen. You lay there for a couple of hours, and this dread creeps over you, and you know you won't sleep that night. But when you've been dealing with it for years, as soon as you lay down, you automatically think--or know-- "Fuck, it's not going to work tonight. I'm not going to sleep." Of course, I realize saying that perpetuates the idea in my head, and I, in essence, psyche myself out. I realize that, but that doesn't mean I can change it.

Apparently this is going to be a long post. I apologize to anyone who's actually reading. I left Athens today. I left Rachel today. Probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in awhile. It's been so nice recently, having everything and everyone I want handy. If I wanted to see Rachel, I walked across the room. If I wanted to see my parents, I drove an hour. And now, an even more extreme case, I'm visiting my brother in Virginia. It was a 5 hour drive, but it was worth it, and it was doable.

I'm freaking out, knowing that I won't be able to just walk across the room to see Rachel, or drive to see my family. I'm going to be gone, folks, and I think this is really just now hitting me for the first time. I guess it took leaving my best friend (both of us in tears) to know that wow...this shit's for real.

I realize this sounds lame to...well, probably all of you, but really, it's just now hitting me. I guess I'm slow or something, but here's what I'm thinking right now...I'M GOING TO FRANCE. IN LESS THAN A WEEK. FOR THREE MONTHS.

There. I guess I just had to get that out of my system. Ok, I'm going to go..."sleep"?

Let's hope.