Taking Advantage

So while I have internet, I figure: Why not blog as much as humanly possible? =)

I considered calling Rachel again (on my dime, of course), but I figured that would be just a little too codependent, even for us. But I still haven't ruled it out, haha.

I'm just sitting in the hotel room, after a great dinner, and I ache. All over. Jet-lag ache, and bruises-all-over ache. From carrying that stuff around all day yesterday and today, I have massive bruises all over my legs (where the baggage hit...no, no, tapped against me), and on my shoulders where the straps were. I wish I didn't bruise this easily--it looks like someone's been using me as a punching bag. Luckily that is not the case, but damn I hurt.

I need to sleep now, seeing as it's 10:05 our time. Meaning it's...dinner time there? Man, it seems like I'll never get used to this, it's too trippy. I'm going to bed, and I bet half of you guys haven't even eaten dinner yet. So weird.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidem

=)

Jet-lag = TERRIBLE

so I hacked into a wireless network at my hotel, and here we are. yay! but yeah...I'm in Avignon, in my hotel, with my group. Since right now, here, it's...5:27, and for y'all it's...12:27, my body is freaking out. And guess what? We get to lose another hour this saturday night because we get to spring forward here! So now there's going to be a six hour difference, when initially I thought it was only five.

Frustrated!

France is beautiful, though, and it really is kind of picturesque. All the old buildings, the gardens, the houses...picturesque, but weird. I'm in France! It's just a weird thought.

Just wanted to keep you guys updated on what was going on--I'm going to my host family's house tomorrow night, and I'm praying they have internet, but somehow I doubt it. So...

143!

That's Depressing; Don't Do That

Leaving. Today. In like four hours. Freaking out.

It's Gone (I'm Gone)

I sent my short story (for those of you who don't know what that means, don't worry about it). I'm really not that worried about it; I'm pretty sure they're going to reject it and, so yeah. It's a nice distraction, though.

I'm leaving the country in...I don't even want to count the hours. A short time. A very short time.

Good thing though; I'm distracted about this "December" thing, so I'm not completely freaking out about leaving. Just wait a couple of hours, the freaking out will start.

Doctors are the bane of my existence

The title of this entry pretty much says it all...I have a doctor's appointment today at 2:00, mostly to get my prescriptions filled for the 90-ish days I'll be gone. But I'm also going to ask him about this awesome, attractive smoker's cough I've got going on, which somehow I attained without the whole smoking thing. And I've felt like crap recently, so maybe I can actually get some kind of anti-biotic before I leave the country.

Packing is overrated. Majorly. And we're out of laundry detergent, which means I've done one load of laundry, and before I can do another I have to actually get dressed and leave the house. I think I'm going to wait until the doctor's appointment to get the detergent...I really don't want to do anything right now.

Depressed doesn't so much fit my mood--more anxious, I guess. And sad, obviously, about leaving, and leaving my friends and family.

Speaking of family, I just found out that I'm pretty much going to be alone for the last two days before I leave (today and tomorrow). My mom worked last night and tonight, which means she'll be sleeping all day today until she goes to work, and she'll sleep tomorrow until five or six. My dad left this morning for Philly, he's doing some kind of work something-or-other. Apparently he's not coming home until late Wednesday night! I'm just bummed that I'm essentially spending my last two days in this country alone.

Just makes me miss Rachel even more. :-(

Time

I've been thinking about the time changes in France...I'm going to be five hours ahead, meaning that they go to bed at...roughly seven or eight o'clock our time, depending on how late they stay up. Then they would get up at, let's say seven am their time, which is actually two am our time. UGH!

So, as I'm laying here writing this post at 2:06 am, there are people in Avignon, France, who are getting up for work.

Isn't that weird? I don't know, it just weirds me out, haha. I guess the whole sleep thing doesn't really matter anyways...one good thing about being an insomniac, i suppose. It doesn't matter when i go to bed...it'll take me at least four hours to actually fall asleep. So, i guess, by the time i actually fall asleep, it would be about time for you guys to go to bed.

ugh this is hurting my brain. haha. I was just wondering if i should start on this strange sleeping schedule for the couple of days before i go, or do you think it would matter? I don't know.

hopefully i can get some sleep now, but somehow i'm doubting it.

Tu me manques

"Tu me manques" = I miss you.

The rest you can translate online or be resourceful:

Je ne suis pas encore partie, mais je suis triste d'aller. Je suis triste que tu sois triste. Euh...je ne veux pas aller! Mais je le veux...je le veux. Ouais...je le veux, mais c'est difficile.

Tu me manques. Vraiment, déjà, tu me manques. Je ne suis pas encore partie, mais c'est le cas. Je me demande; si c'est triste et difficile maintenant...comment sera-t-il quand je suis vraiment allée?

J'espère que ce sera meilleur.

Sleepy Kitteh!!

this just made me so happy--this is what i feel like after last night!!

Insomnia Toujours

I hate being the only one awake. Not only being the only one not sleeping, but the only one awake. I'm wandering around the small, one-bedroom apartment, trying not to wake Alan and Emma in their bedroom.

This sounds dramatic, but I honestly can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep without the aid of sleeping pills. Now it's getting scary; I took sleeping pills last night and tonight, and they don't seem to be working anymore. At all. You have the account of last night in the blog beneath this--I took the pill at midnight, and I stayed up until six; not at all voluntarily, I assure you. Tonight I took the pill at eleven, trying to get a good night's sleep (what a laugh). So now here we are, 3:28 am, and I'm just...awake. I'm tired, physically and mentally (and emotionally, may I add) exhausted, but my mind and body won't let me fall asleep.

Alan just came out of his bedroom. He noticed the light was on in the living room. He seemed very confused that I was awake--having not lived with me recently, I don't think he's up-to-date on how bad the whole insomnia thing has gotten. haha. He seemed concerned, and I told him not to worry; it happens all the time. When I said that, he looked a little more perplexed, and I told him, "Yeah, that whole insomnia thing. It just happens sometimes that I can't sleep." He nodded and frowned. "That sucks. I'm sorry." Then he said goodnight again and went back into his bedroom.

I really appreciate the fact that he's worried about it. My parents never seem to be. I don't think my mom even believes me, and my dad thinks it's easily solved. Actually, it may be quite easily solved...I just have yet to find said solution.

I'm hoping that when I'm in France, I'll be so mentally exhausted that my insomnia will just wither away and die forever. Three years of insomnia is about doing me in...something needs to change.

I'm going to try to sleep now, again. I may be back on again later this morning, but god I hope not.

ps--thanks for listening/reading to me rant.

Sleepless

I have William Wordsworth's poem running through my head:

"A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless..."

Insomnia once again (and always, it seems) has me firmly in its grasp. Last night I "went" to bed at 1:00 am, which is, I think, completely normal for a college student. I laid in bed, awake (on my computer some, trying to lull myself to sleep with music and writing), until five, when I finally realized that I just wasn't going to fall asleep. I got up at 5:30 and went outside to watch the rest of campus sleep. It's actually pretty cool; I've never seen campus that quiet. Everyone was either gone or asleep.

The sky started to get light, and I thought I should probably go back inside, try to get some sleep. I finally fell asleep at maybe 6 or 6:30, and I woke up around 10:00. Tonight, (and I realize it's only midnight...) I know it's going to happen again. I can feel it. When you're an insomniac for more than a couple of months, you start to be able to tell when it's going to happen. You lay there for a couple of hours, and this dread creeps over you, and you know you won't sleep that night. But when you've been dealing with it for years, as soon as you lay down, you automatically think--or know-- "Fuck, it's not going to work tonight. I'm not going to sleep." Of course, I realize saying that perpetuates the idea in my head, and I, in essence, psyche myself out. I realize that, but that doesn't mean I can change it.

Apparently this is going to be a long post. I apologize to anyone who's actually reading. I left Athens today. I left Rachel today. Probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in awhile. It's been so nice recently, having everything and everyone I want handy. If I wanted to see Rachel, I walked across the room. If I wanted to see my parents, I drove an hour. And now, an even more extreme case, I'm visiting my brother in Virginia. It was a 5 hour drive, but it was worth it, and it was doable.

I'm freaking out, knowing that I won't be able to just walk across the room to see Rachel, or drive to see my family. I'm going to be gone, folks, and I think this is really just now hitting me for the first time. I guess it took leaving my best friend (both of us in tears) to know that wow...this shit's for real.

I realize this sounds lame to...well, probably all of you, but really, it's just now hitting me. I guess I'm slow or something, but here's what I'm thinking right now...I'M GOING TO FRANCE. IN LESS THAN A WEEK. FOR THREE MONTHS.

There. I guess I just had to get that out of my system. Ok, I'm going to go..."sleep"?

Let's hope.

Different but better

So I'm leaving OU tomorrow...or I guess officially it's today. Whatever. I had a slight emotional breakdown tonight, and it was mostly because I'm leaving Rachel, pretty much not to see her again until June. Late June. However pathetic and co-dependent that is, it's true. I don't know, I don't usually have to worry about stuff like this. The whole "I'm going to miss you thing." Because I don't usually miss people. I go places, I do things, and I don't really worry about other people. I just do what I'm going to do, because I know I'll see them again. Apparently--and I say that because I am just now finding this out--it's different when you live with your best friend. You get so close, you're like sisters who actually like each other. I have a feeling it's going to be really hard to go from seeing her every day to not seeing her for three and a half months.
But I think I'll be fine once I get on the plane, into Avignon, with my host family. Until then, there's this raging panic--that I realize is more than slightly ridiculous--that when I come back, everything is going to be different. I don't know, people will be different, friendships will change. But even if that's true--which I think it is; things are bound to change--I think most of the changes are going to be for the better.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.

One Week

So I decided to start a blog. Mostly because I'm going through some massive separation anxiety, and I figured this would be a good way to keep people up with what's going on.

I'm completely stalling on the whole "packing" thing. I'm leaving tomorrow, then going to Virginia for the weekend, which gives me two days to pack for France when I get back to Ohio. Can we say slightly overwhelming? But oh, well...I really wanted to see my brother before I left, so it's worth it.

Actually, I'm supposed to be packing right now, and I suppose I should go do that.