Yay!

Okay, then

I don't really have much to say, but that I'm happy. Trying to get measurements done, trying to do all my schoolwork, trying to make my friendships work....i feel like it's all going well.

I'm happy.

I'm writing again (sort of), and that's helped the stress level go down a lot. But I'm reading for fun even though I don't have time, and that chills me out as well.

Just wanted to say hi...I think Chad's phone is dead, so I don't know how we'll be able to coordinate coming to Hburg in a few weeks, but I WANNA! so i don't know. We'll all harass him, and maybe he'll get the point.

My friends rock

I love talking to Chad. Everyone needs a little Chad in their life, I think.

He called me tonight while I was stressing over my French composition, and he told me that he was drinking Blackberry Brandy and Coke....I'm so jealous!

He then made me laugh, and now somehow I'm not stressed anymore. Awesomeness.

Everyone needs a little Chad in their life, I'm telling you. It can do wonders.

Trying to un-stick the stuck

I'm writing a biographie. Wait, I think I just spelled that the French way. Biography. Whatever. You know what I mean.

I realize that I'm twenty, and it doesn't seem that I would have much to say. But I do. It's mostly a cathartic (I just love that word) experience, trying to rid myself of extra stress stuff flitting around in my head. It's kinda cool though; it started as a kind of journal, talking about current problems and frustrations.

Then it morphed. I started writing about my adolescence and why that time was so hard for me. The style is sardonic (not surprising), but I did kind of surprise myself in some ways. It's a lot more...honest than I expected it to be. I thought, since I write fiction, I would be inclined to fabricate, to make things more interesting. I haven't really done that so far. I've been honest, even if the honesty really hurts.

Here's an excerpt of said honesty:

"What I'm about to say may not sound fair; it may even sound harsh. But I have a hard time remembering those years [high school] without bitterness invading my words and leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

For awhile I truly believed that she could get better; she just didn’t want to. Sometimes I think I still believe that. I’m not sure. But what matters is that I very much resented her. After awhile I started resenting everyone. I resented my father for not saying enough or, more often, for saying the wrong thing. I resented my brother because he left for college in the middle of all this, when we (I) needed him most. I realize now that Alan had to leave. I would have done the exact same thing were I in his shoes, but I couldn’t see that at the time. The only thing I could see was him driving away without so much as a glance in the rearview."

There are things I don't think I'll be able to write about, but I'm going to try. This could turn into something; it could remain a prolonged journal entry. Either way, I think it's gonna be good for the heart.

Just Look at the Time...

"Sleep makes a mockery of me. " There. There's my life in six words, and I'm pretty proud if I do say so myself.

Sleep makes a mockery of me. I don't even try anymore. There's the pills that I take, which have stopped working, and there are exercises and stuff, ways to breathe, stuff like that, that have never worked.

My mind will not stop talking.

That's the problem, right there. It's just going, and going, and going. Even if I have no external stimuli, it's all internal for me anyways. There's always something going on in my head, and i usually want to get up and write it down, and then nine times out of ten whatever i wrote down ends up being useless when i'm reading it the next day, so i end up tossing it out anyway.

yay.

so here's my four am rant, as i lay AWAKE and silent.

Sleep makes a mockery of me.

How can I make it stop??

Down two sizes

Some little good news to report...I bought new jeans yesterday, and they were two sizes smaller than shorts I bought six months ago and one size smaller than jeans I bought about three months ago. I'm pretty excited. Mostly I haven't been doing anything different than what I was before except that I'm walking more, and I'm not eating as much.

I'm not eating as much because I'm not "bored-eating." That's always been my big problem; when I'm bored or stressed, I eat. I'm still doing a little bit of the stress eating, but I've pretty much stopped the bored eating. If I'm bored I find something else to do; I'm not writing much these days, which is boosting some of the stress eating, but I find something else to do. Take a walk, go watch some intramural football, or read a book.

I'm trying, anyways. I don't know.

This weekend I'm looking to have a Buffy-fest and an international beer-tasting evening with Chad.

I'm looking forward to that.

Writing is...

"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." ~ E.L. Doctorow

"The only cure for writer's block is insomnia." ~ Merit Antares

"I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all." ~ Richard Wright

"Being an author is like being in charge of your own personal insane asylum." ~ Graycie Harmon

Writer's Block...still

I hate this feeling. I wouldn't call it "writer's block" so much as "idea block." It's not like I can't write. I can edit, the creative process is still flowing. It's just that I am officially "between projects." There's no way I can explain how much I hate that feeling. I'm waiting for my prior project to be editing by my loyal personal editors, and I've got NOTHING in my head to start.

It drives me crazy.

Well, that's not true. Wait, yeah, it does drive me crazy. That part's true. The part about having NOTHING in my head isn't quite true. There's an idea there...something that may even, one day, be decent. But for some reason it just won't come. I don't do that thing where you stare at the blinking cursor on the page---that's just depressing. But i brainstorm long-hand, and even when I look over the notes I made a couple of months ago, I don't really feel anything for it.

For anyone who knows me really well, they know how strange that is for me. Usually when I have a new project, especially notes on a new project, I get excited. I want to start, I want to pursue, I want to write. Sometimes it's slow-going, but it's going all the same.

Not now, though. Oh, no, it's just...standing still. The idea is there, but for some reason it won't move.

Ugh. I don't really know how to explain it; it's just getting frustrating.

Anyone got any ideas for something short, like a short story or an essay? Or novel ideas are always welcome...

Success!

Wow, talk about using my R&I (resource and initiative, something my dad says when he doesn't feel like helping with something). I got a new wireless router today because ours SUCKED and the installation CD was defective, so I had to find a way to install the software and do the security stuff and blah blah....

I ended up using one of those live chat thingys with the tech support at Linksys and now we have a nice, fast, WORKING router.

Knowing my luck it'll start acting up any time now, but for the moment I'm a happy camper.

Self-Explanatory

Perspective

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those who help us most to grow
If we let them, and we help them in return.

Well I don't know if I believe that's true.
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime
so let me say before we part, so much of me
is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like hand print on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend."

Dunno. Just kind of needed these words tonight, I guess. Something sentimental and sappy but true.



(toujours idem)

Done?

I think I'm done with Shades of Grey. Like, really done. I might have some narratives to add here and there, but I think it's about as good as it's gonna get. I need to have some people edit it (if they have time/if they care), and after that it's out to the agents.

Oh, good lord. Agents.

Ugh. I haven't started writing anything new because I keep starting things and then realizing how much they suck. I have an idea brewing, but it's not a thriller. I need to see if I can get an agent off of a thriller--if that's the case, the next book may also have to be a thriller. I don't want to get really invested in a project I won't be able to finish.

The idea I've been rolling around for awhile is a Young Adult theme, and I think I'd really like to do it. But like I said, I don't want to start it and then not be able to finish it. I guess this quarter would be the time to do it because I only have two classes, but I don't know. It just doesn't feel right to start it yet, and therefore I'm left bored and stressed.

I need a new project, like a short story or a collection of essays. Something short, something I could do in like a month. Any ideas?

Insomnia take three hundred and twelve

ugh. I'm starting this post at 3:16 am. Super nifty keen! Thank God I don't have class on Thursdays until noon.

I think my ear infections are coming back full-force. I was hopeful earlier today, but this evening I started feeling some very familiar pressure in my left ear. I don't know. I hope that's not the case, but we'll see.

*I had some kind of epiphany this evening. And it was....drum roll, please....

My big brother is getting married.

dah-duh-dah!!!

Now, i know i should have realized this a long time ago, but it's just now starting to feel real. It's so crazy! He's my big brother! We share music and get in fights and call each other bad names. He's the only person on this planet that can truly get under my skin, and I hope I'm one of the people on this planet that he truly trusts.

It's just so weird. Alan...married? wow. But the up side of this is HUGE. Most little sisters worry about losing their big brothers to their new brides, or that they'll be shoved behind or always thought of as the little sister. I'm not really worried about any of that. I love Emma to death, and I hope she already considers me a sister or a friend, not just her fiance's little sister. I'm actually pretty sure she already does.

Alan and Emma, well...they complete each other. Without getting too Jerry McGuire on you here, let me explain. I can't imagine Alan being with anyone else. And after twenty years of watching him be with people, Em's the only one that really...fits. He's truly happy with her, and that's something I've never really seen before. He's himself, and he's happy. It's amazing. If true love exists (which I sometimes doubt), then it exists in this relationship.

I couldn't be happier for my brother or for the wonderful woman he's marrying.

I don't know how this post took that sentimental bent. I guess I just started really thinking about it today, and how weird it's going to be for awhile. But, hey, I'll get to be an aunt some day! I think I'll make a good aunt. (Or, if it's a ginger...haha)

Okay, done with the sentimental crap. I just wish i could sleep.

Sign Language and French are going well, though my sign prof grades really really tough. I worked hard on this presentation and got a 42/50 on it, which isn't terrible, but it isn't exactly great, either. It's just tough. I'll feel bad if I don't make As in all TWO of my classes, but I'm trying not to stress myself out about it. I'm still sick, so I'm just trying to get back on track.

I suppose I should at least pretend to sleep since I have to get up in like seven hours.

143 idem

I think Rachel might appreciate this...

"Because the roads that we take can confine us or set us free,
Make your path, don't you break.
Just need to get away, and you've been so tied up with your life,
Take a break from it,
Or you won't last."

I love it. The Scene Aesthetic has some great lyrics.

Cool. Cool.

It was a good night. That was fun.

We need to do that more often.

Politicians = Useless

I tried to make it through the debate. I really did. But they just talk, and talk, and talk, but they aren't actually saying anything. It's irritating.

I think I'm gonna do that early voting option and vote tomorrow. Don't know yet, but it seems like the easy thing to do, especially since I'm voting absentee.

I'm just kind of bored, and I'm stalling from editing. I'm STILL changing it from past to present tense, but I'm almost done. It's probably the most tedious thing I've ever done, and it's hard to get the motivation going.

My short story, December, was rejected (finally!) for an anthology. I say finally because I've been expecting it since...oh, June. Apparently the reason it took so long is that there were two or three stages the stories had to go through to be chosen. I guess December got past the first stage, which is cool, and it got to the editors, but they rejected it. I'm not at all surprised, but it is kind of disheartening. But whatever, I'm just gonna keep this one in my notebook just like the 40-some others, and one day I'm gonna look back and shrug when I have SOMETHING published.

Words of Wisdom

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

~Harriet Beecher Stowe

I have no idea.

I feel kind of lost in all of this. I've been really REALLY sick for the past couple of weeks--like, out of class, in and out of hospitals, can't get off the couch sick--but i'm finally getting better. Long story short, I had middle and outer ear infections in both ears which caused my entire immune system to essentially shut down on me. Enter fevers, nausea, and some of the worst pain i've ever experience.

Moving on. I'm getting back to classes now, and I'm WAY behind. I started the quarter with 17 hours, and I actually had to drop two of my classes because I knew there was no way in hell I'd be able to catch up. Now I only have 8 hours, which sounds nice, but is actually kind of stressful. Don't ask.

Personally, I really love where I'm at right now. I love my apartment, I love my roommate (even if she is apparently--unbeknown to me--having second thoughts about her entire life right now), and I'm really happy with myself personally. I'm having some iffy thoughts about where my professional life might be going--teacher, translator, fuck school i wanna be a writer--but those things don't stress me out as much as they probably should. I figure I've got time. I'll stress later.

I feel like such a terrible friend sometimes. I can't even fucking cook dinner right, and the only thing i've really made food-wise since we've been in the apartment is cookies. Not from scratch. Oh, no. Cookies from a roll. Oh, and I cooked bacon once. Look at me, Rachel Ray. And I just feel like I don't, i don't know, like i don't enough. Like maybe I don't listen enough or i'm not considerate enough or i talk too much. Or I play the TV too loud. Or...I don't know. I just feel like some of her turmoil over life and school and everything...I just wish I'd known. I wish she would have talked to me. But I feel like maybe I somehow discouraged her talking to me, or I just wasn't paying attention. I talk to her every day, she's the closest friend to me in the world right now...but do we talk? I mean, really, about important stuff? My first, automatic answer would be yes, but recently I've kind of started to question that.

I don't know.

But I'm happy. I really am. I'm working on editing and FINALLY finishing "Shades of Grey" so i can send it out so it can get rejected, and I think I'm going to start another short story soon. Sign Language is hard but going well and French is, of course, amazing.

I think it's weird that all day I've been missing Emma and Annie. (Is it weird that I kind of miss Em more than I do my own brother? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Dunno. I miss Alan, too, but I can't talk to Alan like I can to Emma. He's not a girl. =)) Kind of a strange, random thing to say, but it's been bugging me. I just miss them, I guess. But with one planning her wedding (YAY!) and the other starting her first year at college, there probably won't be much visiting time for any of us in the near future. But I'm gonna try to make it happen.

Sorry for the complete randomness of this post. It's late and I'm, of course, not at all tired.

Thanks for reading if you actually made it all the way through.